Miracles Here and There

Greetings fellow Earth adventurers! Just thought I’d pop in and post a bit.

I had the opportunity to do some cleansing in the last two years since I posted. Juicing fruits and vegetables was a big part of it, as was lots of salads and eliminating all animal products from my diet. Reading The China Study by T. Collin Campbell was very motivating to eat all plant based.

I also got to try different drugs. One made me loose my hair, then I changed to another and my hair grew back for the second time. I love being bald. It is the greatest thing ever. No hair to take the time to wash or care for. I think, though, that I’ll settle for very short hair. The two down sides to baldness are a cold head in the winter and a sunburned one in the summer.

After I completed the first treatment that I was on in 2012 the cancer went away and doctors were saying, “the treatment was effective” or “you responded well to treatment”. I would say, “well, yes, but I was doing other things too that helped.” The one thing I did not say was, “God has preserved to me live another day.” That element was missing from my perspective.

I felt that God lead me to find alternative treatments to support my journey and I thanked him for that. But I got lost in the world of health and the reasoning there. I focused so much on food and emotional work that I put God’s healing power on a back burner. I still believe that I am to do all that I can to be well, which includes: what I eat, how I think, what I drink, what I put on my skin, what cleaners are in my house, what a dentist puts in my month, and where I get my food. But all of that is secondary to the power of God. If he wants more bread and fish, he just creates more like when he fed the 5,000 in Jerusalem. 

He has allowed me to be part of my own healing journey which has allowed me to learn through the process. He can just heal me, but he instead allows me to learn. He allows me to grow and to come to understand things at a new level and in a new way.

When my children are unhappy or having a hard time, it is very tempting for me to rush in and just fix what is wrong. I find myself thinking, “let her fail, I’m not helping her by doing it for her.”

In seeing how and where and when the Savior has healed me, I am a better person and feel closer to Him. I have been healed in ways and in areas that are not so visible but are real nonetheless.

For example, last year I had several fractures in my hips. How did I accomplish this amazing task? I stood up. I am a pretty amazing stander-upper. I was flat on my back for a few weeks, then I could kind of move to lay down on the couch. I would alternate laying down in bed to laying down on the couch for the next few months.

Many angles came and helped me during this time by bringing meals, cleaning my house, driving my daughters to their lessons, and coming to visit. This was amazing and I will always be thankful for their service. An unforeseen miracle was that though the whole thing I never felt like it was a big deal. Even with the trip to the ER, I knew I would be fine and just needed time to heal. I looked at it as time to rest and to write stories and do family history work.

Thinking back, I can see that it was a big deal, but I felt fine and was very cheerful about the whole thing. I knew everything would be okay and it was. That miracle and emotional healing along with the physical healing is a sustaining miracle. A miracle that builds faith. A miracle that surpasses understanding and could only happen as a gift from heaven.

The sustaining miracles in my life allow me to reflect and to feel more joy. I’m all about feeling joy.

May you feel joy this day too and look for the miracles that God is giving you.

Square One Program Info...

I met Chris (online)- from chrisbeatcancer.com- the other week, and am amazed by the Square One program. He is offering the talks for free this weekend. This program focuses mainly on cancer, but the information would be helpful to anyone seeking health help or just to stay healthy. If you want to check it out for free the info is below (be prepared to take notes)...

All 10 Modules will be put back up online (at the same time) and anyone can watch for free.

The Replay Weekend starts at 12:01am EST on Saturday morning and runs through Midnight on Sunday (48 hours total).

Modules 1 & 2, and the Q&A replays are LIVE on the page now… The rest will be added Saturday morning.

Here’s the link: http://squareone.chrisbeatcancer.com/replay-weekend

Update on Adventures

1. In October I had a fun, new adventure. My torso felt like it was on fire. My skin looked just fine, but the burning was severe and lasted for about a week and a half. I stopped taking my oral chemo to see if that was the culprit, and it seemed to help. I figured that even if it hadn't caused it, I'm sure it was not helping my recovery. Later, when I used a certain cleaner again, the burning came back for a couple of days. So, I'm pretty sure it was actually a reaction to the cleaner I used. It's long gone now, and I use an "all natural" one with no harsh chemicals. No skin burning since.

During this exciting skin burning adventure, someone asked me about my back. I was taken aback. "My back?" I asked.
"Yes," came the reply. "I've been wondering how it has been. It was causing you a lot of pain."
Then I remembered that it had been. I had completely forgotten. "It's fine," I replied. "No pain at all."

I'm thankful that this person asked about my back, because it helped me to remember that what I was experiencing at that moment of skin burning, was better than the back pain I had felt. It helped put things into perspective. It could have been much worse.

2. Speaking of back pain, I sneezed a while ago and felt pain in my back where it had been before. My first thought was that the tumor was coming back. A scan later showed that said tumor was gone. So, what are the pain and strange sensations in my upper back? I later learned that when the tumor left (bye, bye), it left a whole in my vertebrae. Then, the vertebrae collapsed on itself. The strange sensations I feel now are the spine healing itself. Prior to radiation on the spine, the pain was at a 8. Now, it's about a 2. So I can handle these healing pains. Plus, I'm a half of an inch shorter now. How cool is that?!

3. It's amazing how when one cannot exercise one's muscles atrophy. Walking a lot is painful in my lower legs. They begin to feel like lead. Therefore, my exercise limited to other, brief activities. So, I'll just choose to be thankful that I can still walk. I'll choose to be thankful for this physical limitation to help me use my energy for that which really matters.

There is the update on recent adventures. Hope your adventures are as awesome as mine!!

Important Things

"When you cannot do what you have always done, you only do what is most important."

I made Halloween costumes for my girls. That's a big deal for me. Usually I buy them - on clearance - but I still buy them. I also sat and read with my girls. I raked leaves with my girls. When I take my youngest to preschool we read books in the car while we wait until she can go in. I cuddle with my girls. I sing songs to and with my girls. We listen to stories together. We find shapes in the clouds as we drive to and from school. We do crafts together. We dance together a lot. 

Sometimes I wonder what they will remember. I wonder how much time we have to make memories. I wonder what will be the most important to them when they remember their mother. I don't care about homework like I used to. I care about who they are as people. I care about how they treat others and their ability to set and work towards goals. 

Are they learning to work hard? Will I be here to help them learn it better? Are they developing a testimony of their Savior? Will I be here to help them develop it further? Are they choosing good friends and treating others with respect? Will I be here to help them with friendships as they get older? 

I think I will. I pray I will. It lurks in the back of my mind, coming out when I don't expect it to. Then strange health concerns come up, and I wonder again. I wonder what state I'll be in when they are teenagers. 

Overall, I just feel thankful that I am in their lives at all. I feel happy that we are a family. I feel blessed that I get to be their mother, and in the next life, I'll still get to be their mother. 

So, now that I cannot do all that I once was able to, I try to focus on what is most important. And, it comes as no surprise, that most important thing is time with my family. So if I don't see you very often anymore, it's not because I don't like you. It's not because I disliked doing the things that brought us together. I am just making choices with what to do with the energy I have. And that energy is being poured into the most important people in my life. 

Radiation Adventure

The spine is an amazing part of our body. Mine has some holes in it. Holes called lytic lesions or lytic tumors. Because of these cool holes, my back feels sore pretty much all of the time. The largest tumors are in the thoracic area (upper back).

Every time I go to see my oncologist or get an infusion I am asked if I am in any pain. For a long time, I said “no” because I didn’t want their solution to the problem. Finally, it got bad enough I said, “yes,” and their solution was radiation. See, I knew I didn’t want it.

This last week was radiation week. Radiation to stop pain, and to stop the tumors from growing into the spinal cord (I guess that’s a bad thing). The neat thing about radiation is that it goes right on through your body. The spine just happens to be in line with other important parts of our body, like the esophagus, stomach, lungs, and abdominal muscles. Small things like that. Therefore, the feelings of nausea, weakness, headache, bone ache and dizziness were not too surprising. It just would have been nice to be forewarned that they would happen.

It’s hard for me to ask for help, but I had some amazing people step in and help when I needed it. Thank you.

So, after the radiation is done I get to go back onto the newest chemotherapy thus far. It’s oral. I take it in pill form at home. I know, it sounds strange. I have to keep it sequestered away from other people and food and in a zip lock bag so others don’t come into contact with it. For the first time since I began this whole chemotherapy thing I may need the anti-nausea drugs they gave me. That will be fun, because while they prevent one from vomiting, they sure make the person taking them feel strange and ill in other ways.

Off to new treatments and new things to learn!

A Happy Memory

As I sat in a waiting room today I had a memory of an event that occurred about one year ago in that same waiting room. I had driven up to Huntsman for a “radiation planning session” where they do the set up for radiation. Huntsman Cancer Institute is located at the top of the University of Utah campus. Once I enter the campus, it takes about 5-10 minutes to get up to the hospital. But that day the normally 5-minute drive took about 45 minutes. The cause was some roadwork going on right outside The University of Utah Hospital, which is just below Huntsman. Everyone was late. Employees were late to shifts at the hospital. Patients were late to appointments. Therefore, there were about eight women in the waiting room, when usually there are two or three. We all sat in our hospital gowns waiting. Doctors came in and apologized for the wait. So, some of us started chatting.

Me: I think they should give us our own hospital gowns to have at home. That way we can just wear them here and not have to change. It would save time.

Woman #1: And then we could personalize them. We could choose our own colors.

Woman #2: It would also save on locker space.

Woman #3: The only problem would be if we got pulled over while we were driving. The officer would be like, ‘where did you escape from?’ And we’d look the part.

Women #2: And we wouldn’t even have a bra on!

It was a happy memory. 

Happy Moments at the Huntsman Cancer Center in South Jordan - Daybreak

The last PET scan I had (besides the one today) was three months ago (get this, I have them every three months…I know amazing!) The day after said PET scan, I was supposed to meet with Dr. Oncologist; however, I was sick from the scan and needed to stay home. I ended up discussing the scan results with Dr. around 4:30pm, when I was informed that some tumors grew back, because they missed me, of course! He therefore changed my drug for the infusion I had scheduled for the next morning…7:30am at the South Jordan facility.

Surprise! I’m here in South Jordan and need a different drug than the one ordered three weeks ago! Nurses in South Jordan find out that I need this new drug right when I get there. For some reason, leaving a message at 5:00pm (after everyone has gone home) doesn’t give the pharmacy enough time to get the desired drug there by morning. Crazy! So, they don’t have the drug there. At all. NO DRUG on the property. Awesome!

Options? Wait four hours for someone to bring it down from the Huntsman Center by the U of U, or go home and come back Monday. I voted for the latter.

This changed my infusion schedule in my favor, so that when we took a trip to California, I did not have an infusion the week before. Yea! Lots more energy!

That experience at South Jordan is almost as good as when the pharmacist brought me my chemotherapy on a silver platter, with a fake mustache on, and in a fake French accent said, “Delores, here is your chemotherapy. I hope it is to your liking. Is it as ordered? I take it you will find everything in order.” That was a happy moment.

Past and Present

Things I used to take for granted:

• Not getting very bad colds every couple of months
• Cuts healing quickly
• Being able to stand for hours in a day
• Having the energy to be social
• Having strong fingernails
• Being able to keep my house clean
• Having the mental clarity to study deep topics
• Not getting distracted easily 

Things I used to not understand:

• Relating with people who have to limit what they eat
• Understanding when people discuss chemotherapy
• The loneliness that comes will long-term illness
• Socially awkward situations when others seem to care very much about things that do not matter at all to me anymore, because they are small and really don't matter
• The pain of wanting with all my heart to be able to do something for my child, but being physically unable to do it
• Gratitude for others' willingness to step up and help
• Love for a child who works hard to help her sisters when I am unable
• The physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual enabling power of the Atonement, which strengthens me to do the things God wants/needs me to do to build his kingdom
• The healing power of children singing sacred music

A Bit of Frank Discussion...

I dislike the looks of pity, the expressions of "I'm so sorry," the fear I see in people's eyes when they don't know what to say so they just stare at me. It gets really old. I feel like slapping them on the face and telling them to buck up! I am not sorry I'm going through this. I don't want pity. I am just a person who is walking through mortality like everyone else. This trial may be more evident than other people's trials, but it certainly is not more difficult. If we could see other's trials we would be in awe of that person. But most of us have no clue what our neighbors are experiencing. We don't know the pain hidden in the heart. We don't feel their insecurities, their fears, their disappointments. Some experiences are more visible than others, but all are personally designed for us. Given the choice I would choose my trials and you would choose yours all over again.  

At times I feel lonely. I think we all do. Does that mean that my life is more difficult than others? Certainly not. At times I feel discouraged. At times I wonder if my efforts are making a difference. Other times I wonder if any other person can understand how I feel. That's when I turn to my Savior, because I know he understands. 

How are my children handling my being gone for treatments? How are they handling going to school with children not in their neighborhood? There is so much more in life than cancer. There is such a larger picture that I see parts of, but only parts. If I were to focus all of my attention on the limitations that disease brings into my life, well, that would be pretty depressing. I vote against that. 

 

Onward and Upward

With radiation complete - forever with any luck - I get to head back to just infusions. I did okay on the drug Herceptin, which I received during radiation therapy. Previously (over a year ago) I did not do so well on it, but because I did okay this time, we agreed to continue with it  - plus other supporter drugs, because those are so much fun! But none of them are chemotherapy, just receptor blockers.

On a totally awesome note, because I got to experience radiation I met the U of U Hospital with Huntsman Cancer Center in South Jordan - Daybreak. Now, when I don't need to see my oncologist, I do infusions there. 

It's a bonus in many ways:

• Shorter drive
• More relaxing drive
• Shorter wait time for pharmacy to send up drugs (like 30 minutes vs. 2 hours at Huntsman in Salt Lake)
• Happier and less stressed-out nurses
• Fewer other patients

Yep, it's a total bonus.

Out of all the treatments I've had the opportunity to experience, radiation was my least favorite. It and the surgery seem to have worked; however, as the last PET scan showed no cancer anywhere. We lovingly call the drugs I am on now the "keep cancer away drugs". It makes the infusions every three weeks a bit easier on my girls, who thought that after surgery I would be done with all cancer treatments. 

So onward and upward for us. Wishing you a happy Wednesday. 

Things I Needed to Know that No One Told Me

Things no one told me about radiation, but that I needed to know anyway:

1. Radiation affects your skin (I was informed of that). The health care professionals' solution is to keep the skin "hydrated and moisturized" by applying things like aquaphor and lubriderm early in treatment to prevent painful dryness, sores, cracks, and bleeding. No one mentioned that the best way to hydrate your skin is to hydrate your body. Drinking lots of water, especially with lemon or coconut water, hydrate the entire body. Including the skin. This has worked well for me thus far, and medical professionals were impressed with how well my skin looks.

2. Radiation destroys cells (this I also knew). I have felt very tired, and was especially short tempered the first week or so of radiation. I tended to notice it in my interactions with my children. Realizing this was not okay, I had an insight the other day. I was hungry. Very hungry. I was eating what I usually ate, but was still wanting another meal. Then it hit me: as the radiation destroyed cells, my body was working overtime to rebuild them. This takes energy and fuel, and I needed more fuel. So, after drinking my regular smoothie I ate a huge salad made of spinach, sauerkraut, tomatoes, cucumbers, hummus, and grilled chicken. After inhaling that I felt much better. I was also more patient with my children. As long as I eat twice as much as I normally would, I feel great and have the energy I was lacking earlier in the treatment process. 

3. Judgement has no place in cancer treatment. People come from all backgrounds and areas of life. The man who smells strongly of cigarette smoke who brings in his wife for radiation cares about her just as much as I care about my family members. Judging his visible behaviors that are directly linked to cancer is not my place. We are all on different journeys and are exactly where we need to be. 

4. Health care professionals have off days too. Overhearing patients swearing and complaining about what a nurse or other employee did or did not do hurts my heart. They are people too with feelings and are not perfect. I was told by a doctor the other day, "your day will be better than mine." I responded by saying, "you can still have a great day, it's all in what you choose." His response was, "at least you get to enjoy the sun." Cancer can be a bummer, but at times those who care for those with cancer get the but end of things. It doesn't cost anything to be kind, and at times come up with a creative origin story for a doctor's last name (yes I did this, I was waiting for a while and had to do something).

The Big To-Do about Radiation

Getting set up for radiation therapy consists of four main points:

1. Imaging

2. Positioning

3. Marking

4. Attending

First, imaging is done in the form of a CT scan. These images are used to set up the border and area to get radiated. The scanner bed has NERO padding on it- on a scale of 1-10 for comfort I give it a 2. Regular CT scanner beds have padding and are at a comfort level of 6. When asked why no padding I was informed that padding or cushions lead to shifting of the body, and for positioning purposes they need the patient's body as still as possible.

Which leads us to the second point, positioning. It's best when applying radiation to one's body that the person be in the same position, the EXACT same position every time. In order to accomplish this, a mold is made if the area that needs to be in the same position. I got to lay with my arms above my head, head tilted to the right, for 10 minutes while a blue bag with chemicals in it that were hardening cooled around me. I now have a form that will follow me wherever I go for radiation. I get to lay I it every time. I feel I have a new friend.

Marking goes along with positioning. Stickers were put on and lines were drawn on me prior to positioning, and after the positioning was finished photos were taken, more lines were drawn, and I received four dot tattoos. I was just sad that they were not cool colors like pink, green or yellow. The dark blue tattoos are small and may even fade out during the course of treatment. If that happens I get more tattoos! These tattoos are used to align my body with the numbers they punched into a cool machine. 

Which brings me to attending. Now, I get to attend the rest of the radiation therapy appointments. I guess this whole set up thing isn't much good if I don't show up for them. As a bonus they are short, with only a few minutes of radiation a day. 

Happy Saturday!

Bonus Adventures

I think I can drive up to the Huntsman Cancer Institute with my eyes closed (don't worry, I won't). My latest visit was very informative and adventurous! After meeting with my radiation oncologist (cool title!), I got a new drain put in. 

Backing up: the surgical drain that was put in during surgery came out last Friday because the fluid that was draining was sufficiently low. Around Sunday I noticed some fluid retention which increased daily and peaked on Wednesday. I called it a waterbed because that's how it acted. I pushed in one place and the fluid would move along in waves under my skin. Thursday my surgeon drained about 90 mL of goodness in the office, and the new drain is working well. The best part about this new drain adventure is that the first drain she put in did not work well, so she put in another one. Second time's the charm! Perhaps I'll get this new drain out next week, but we are being very conservative this time.

I also learned that radiation is a daily thing. After participating in chemotherapy with weeks in between infusions, doing something daily was a bit of a shock. Get this - five days a week (Monday through Friday) for six weeks. Yep. Sounds awesome. The bonus? I get to go to the Huntsman Cancer Clinic thing in Day Break for radiation, which is closer to home, and each appointment will only be about 30 minutes. So, really, it won't be bad at all. I can still even drive my girls to school, go get radiation, then come home with plenty of time to do PTA stuff and dishes before I go get them to bring them home. And still get chemotherapy every three weeks. Bring it on!

It's no secret that radiation causes cancer. My husband put it this way: you can die of breast cancer in a year, or do radiation and deal with thyroid cancer in 15 years. When I mentioned that to the radiation oncologist, she said she wished I could come talk to her other patients. That is the perspective she tries to bring with radiation. 

For better or worse, this is the course I feel impressed to follow. So, follow I will. But the best part? I don't start radiation until I get back from Hawaii. Mahalo!

Pathology

Post surgery checkups are cool for a couple of reasons:

1. I got to see the surgeon not in scrubs
2. Nurses were not trying to get me ready for surgery, but were just checking up on me
3. The surgery is over

Looking at the pathology report during a post surgery visit is cool because: 

1. I learned what a pathology report is
2. I saw the rationale behind some of the decisions medical professionals make
3. I got to read the resident doctor's report and the attending physician's report
4. The gross report means what things look like to the naked eye - is that why it's called gross?
5. Who comes up with these names? That's all I have to say about that. 

Based on the very detailed and specific pathology report, I am a great candidate for radiation. Good thing that pathology report was there to clear that up. 

Surgeon: You'll have a consultation with Dr. [Radiation] and go through a dry run where they set everything up how it will be for radiation.

Keith: Like a dress rehearsal?

Surgeon: Yeah.

Delores: Okay, I'll do it as long as the doctor dresses up for the play when I have the radiation. 

Keith: Yeah. Like cosplay?

Surgeon: (chuckling) Oh! Now I have a picture of that in my head. Everytime I picture her doing radiation I'm going to picture her all dressed up for a play. Ha! I've got to tell her! 

I figure that as long as the radiation doctor is willing to dress up to play her part, I can do mine as well. 

Post Surgery

Firsts for me:

1. I had my neck measured. Never had that done before. I was measured for the breathing tube.

2. I had a breathing tube put down my throat after I was asleep, and taken out prior to waking up, so I never felt it.

3. I have a drain sticking out of the side of my chest. The drain catches fluid from the surgical site. 

4. I have a on Q-pump also sticking out of my chest. The On Q- pump delivers a numbing drug - similar to novocaine you get at the dentist. This is numbing the place of the incision.

5. I had my nurse give a fake name incase we wanted to complain. She told us her real name, then said if we had any complaints then her name was Susan. (which was the charge nurse's name).

6. I got to wear ted hose. They were put onto my legs by first putting a small plastic bag over my feet to help them go on. Genious!

7. I got to speak with three different employees from the pharmacy. One an intern, the other two pharmacists. The intern had enough energy for everyone in the pharmacy.

6. Oh, and I got my breast removed. That was a first too!

How do I feel after getting it removed? Great! I feel that my body is more relaxed as it no longer has to fight the battle that was raging in my breast. Kind of how I felt after getting my rotten root canal pulled. Just a lot of relief that it's gone from my body.

Hurray for Firsts!

And a BIG THANK YOU to the sweet people who either came with flowers or sent them to me while I was up at Huntsman. I meant a lot to me that you would think of me. 

Port or No Port

After not having to have an IV for over two years, I had one a few months ago for a PET scan. It game me a new appreciation for my port. 

What is a port you ask? A medical port catheter is a lovely device made out of plastic. It is inserted under the skin (just under my collarbone), and has a tube that goes up into the vein at the base of my neck. At the base of the tube (the part that's just under my collarbone) is the round plastic part, about 1/2 inch in diameter. A special needle is put into the round plastic part of the port and not into a vein itself. This needle has tubing coming from to in order to draw blood or hook the port up to other tubing. Accessing the port is a sterile procedure, so that means sterile gloves, cleaning the area well, and masks for the nurse and the patient. 

Pros to having a Port:

• Once the port in inserted, IVs are no longer necessary.
• It is not painful to access the port. A brief moment of a sharp inhale, and it's over.
• The port can stay accessed to have blood drawn, tubes hooked up for medicine, hydration, etc. without any bumping or pain of the needle.
• Blood return is easy and fast
• Chemotherapies tend to damage veins, so finding a vein for an IV can be difficult and painful for those undergoing chemotherapy. The port alleviates this challenge.

Cons of having a Port:

• It is surgically inserted
• It has to be flushed every month, so if someone is not receiving regular blood draws or treatment, they need to get it flushed every four weeks.
• There is a bump sticking out of my chest
• For some people accessing the port is painful, so medical professionals can provide a numbing cream to apply an hour prior to accessing that alleviates the pain.

I was running late for a PET scan a few months ago, and accessing the port can take 20 minutes (15 minutes to wait for an available nurse and 5 to access the port), so I opted to just have an IV. The IV was placed into my arm at the crook of my elbow. That meant not bending or moving my arm for two hours. I could feel the needle in my vein the entire time, and my hand went off and on being numb. Plus, it hurt for about 45 minutes.

Thus, my new appreciation for a port. I forget it's accessed and just go about my regular movements. When it was first inserted I was skeptical, but I'm a believer now. 

So, hurrah for ports!

Newest Adventure

The more I learn, the more I think that none of us knows as much as we think we do.

For example: a certain person says this will help with x. I believe them. They believe themselves. It kind of works. Another person says that  this other thing will also help with x and even y! I believe them, they believe themselves. It kind of works too. 

My problem is that I like to learn new things, I like to try new things, and they totally work for me. So then I tend to trust in those things. But those things are not in charge. The doctors are not in charge. Dietitians are not in charge. Holistic health people are not in charge. Well-wishers and advice givers are not in charge. Books are not in charge.

I was reminded of this these past few weeks, and it was a welcome and needed reminder. Which brings me to the mastectomy that was scheduled today. The only other surgery I've had was a caesarean section three years ago. This will be another new and every exciting adventure. I was told that it is not as painful as other surgeries, so that's a bonus, but really? It is still surgery. 

There is only one reason I was able to schedule this operation. I participated in much prayer, fasting and pleading for direction that would allow the fulfillment of a certain blessing I was given two years ago - the blessing to live. This feels like the next step to allow the fulfillment of that blessing. 

I still need to keep up with my other stuff: meditation, eating raw and organic, exercise, adding lots of sprouts, thinking positive, serving others, drinking smoothies, etc. 

I'm excited about this newest adventure. I get to experience something new. And as long as the PET scan in the next few weeks shows that all the cancer is still localized to the breast, the surgery will proceed. The surgery was recommended because the cancer is nowhere else in my body. All the cancer in the liver and bones is gone. It is not in my lymph nodes. Left alone, the cancer is my breast can grow (as it is now, and has been) and cause pain, infection, bleeding, leaking, etc. So this local control can help eliminate that. 

I "trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not unto [my] own understanding. In all [my] ways [I] acknowledge him, and he shall direct [my] path."

Random Thoughts of Comfort

Some thoughts that have recently brought me comfort:

1. "...thus we see that the Lord worketh in many ways to the salvation of his people." Alma 24:27

2. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and He shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

3. "...any assessment of where we stand in relation to [Christ] tells us that we do not stand at all! We kneel!" Elder Neal A. Maxwell

4. Thoughts beget actions. 

5. Obedience is not a matter of time or convience. It is a matter of faith. (paraphrased) Elder Henry B. Erying

Now go find some positive thoughts that bring you comfort!

Walls

I have been thinking a lot about walls lately: brick walls, stone walls, white picket fences, chain link fences with gate gates, etc. 

A long time ago I attended a support group where we discussed walls. Each of us there had a wall up around our heart in order to protect ourselves. We had all been hurt and as a defense mechanism we did what children do, we retreated and put up an emotional wall. It works, that's why it's done. 

I was then instructed that in order to heal the wall had to come down...which is a scary thought to one in the position I was in. It did not need to go away entirely, but the wall needed to be replaced with a fence. A fence provides a boundary that I am able to defend. A fence has a gate that I may open when I want to allow others in, or close to keep them out. A wall keeps everything and everyone away from me, including myself. I cannot truly come to know who I am with a wall up. I cannot truly come to know God with a wall up. I cannot truly learn to trust myself or others with a wall up. 

I have seen many types of walls. Most are tall, made of stone or brick, and are built to hide behind. Others are tall, stone, with barbed wire on top, and machine gun towers ready to blast anyone who comes within 25 feet of the wall. Those people tend to be a little bit more verbally aggressive and defensive. But it all stems from the same place. They were hurt and the wall was erected to protect. 

On one can take down another's wall. Love and support from others can help them in their efforts, but they have to do it. They put it up, only they can take it down, and only the Lord really knows how to lead them to do it. 

Over several years my wall came down. One brick at a time. It was work. It took effort. Lies that I believed as truth were exposed. I questioned many things and many ideas. And I came to know God. 

Believing that I am worth defending came only after much work.
Learning to trust myself came as the wall came down.
Trusting myself came after I trusted God, and took some steps of faith into the darkness.
Knowing that I have to do my own work, but that I don't have to do it alone, is empowering.

I am thankful for healthy boundaries. They help define relationships, establish friendships, maintain marriages, and support families. It took me many years, but I learned to have a fence instead of a wall. Yet, even now, I still have questions about some relationships, so I go slow, pray often, and trust in the Lord. He never lets me down.

Laughter

"It feels good to laugh," said the PA intern a couple of doctor visits ago.

I learned from that visit that my health care professionals usually do not laugh when they visit with their patients. "That's too bad," I thought. "There is so much humor in this whole cancer treatment thing. Let's make the most of it."

It was then that I had an insight. No everyone is like me. I know, pretty deep. 

Other things I learned at Huntsman:

• Taking Valentine's Day gifts to medical staff gets you TONS of smiles. I made many friends that day.
• Attempting flying side karate kicks in the waiting room does not happen very often, and when I did it, it got discussed by EVERYONE in the clinic.
• People appreciate it when you remember their names.
• When attempting set up an IV, and the patient's veins are not cooperating, nurses wrap the patients (especially their arms) in warm blankets to help the veins participate.
• If you tell your doctor that you are lightheaded, the PA may suggest you are dehydrated, then the doctor may suggest giving you fluid for an hour. So think twice about mentioning the lightheadedness.
• Many, many generous people donate free things to patients and Huntsman. 
• Everyone is struggling with something. So be kind.